A Cancer Journey: Part 1

The following is a journal I have kept for the last few weeks.  I share this in complete reverence and love. 

Day 1:  April 30

Mom hadn't been feeling well the past few weeks.  She was experiencing some tenderness in her side and mentioned that she felt full.  She went to the doctor today and he ordered a scan for Friday morning.  At 8:30 PM this evening, Mom said something was wrong and she wanted to go to the ER.   Sissy #2 and I took her in to Emergency at 9:00 PM.  At 11:30 PM, Mom had a scan.


Day 2:  May 1

At 12:30 AM, my sister and I were asked to follow the nurse to a room where the doctor was sitting at a computer.  On the screen was my Mom's scan.  I heard the doctor say something about a mass and using the word "metastasized."  Sissy began crying and reaching for me.  I didn't understand what I was looking at, nor what I was hearing.  I kept asking for everyone to please slow down and explain what was happening.  The doctor said that the scan showed a large mass in her colon and there were dark spots on her liver and lungs.

Mom has cancer.

The doctor asked if we wanted him to tell Mom.  Sissy said no, she would do it.

After telling Mom and then making phone calls to the immediate family, we went back to Mom's side.  I held her hand, not knowing what to say.  Mom spoke first.

Mom:  Please don't worry Shelly.  I'm going to be o.k.  I prayed for this.  I prayed that I would suffer.  Jesus loves me so much that He suffered and died for me.  I want to show Jesus how much I love Him and offer my suffering with His.

A few moments later, as the doctor was speaking to Mom, I looked around the room and felt the urge to smash things.  I wanted to tear the T.V. off the wall.  I wanted to turn over the cart that held the computer.  I wanted to take my arm and sweep everything off the counter.  I was angry and wanted to throw things.

 I didn't.

At 1:30 AM, Mom was in a regular hospital room for the night.  At this point, she was confused and agitated.  Leaving her that night was difficult.

Mom was scheduled for surgery shortly after 10 AM.  We were thankful that our Deacon came before then to anoint, pray over and give Mom communion.  Before wheeling her away, everyone present was able to kiss and tell Mom they loved her. 

We prayed the Rosary.

The phone in the room where we were waiting rang.  It was the O.R. telling us that they were going to begin surgery. 

What seemed like only minutes later, the surgeon entered our room and said she didn't have good news.  They opened Mom up and discovered she was full of cancer.  They would be unable to remove any of the mass.  They were going to do a double loop ileostomy and then close her up.  The doctor said Mom would maybe have 2 months to live.

At that moment, everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.

May 1st is the feast day of St. Peregrine.  He is the patron saint of cancer patients.


Day 3:  May 2

Mom's surgeon visited her early this morning.  She explained to Mom how the surgery had gone the previous day.  Mom didn't say much as she listened.  She just shook her head in understanding.  Mom, very clearly stated, that she did not want to spend her days in and out of chemo and going to doctor appointments.  She wanted to go home, be comfortable, and live out her days peacefully.  Later in the day, Mom said, "Everyone has something to bear.  This is mine."


Day 4:  May 3

I arrived to the hospital early and found the nurses helping Mom to sit up in a chair.  Once settled, I asked Mom if I could give her a foot massage, using lavender oil.  One of the nurses brought in an instrumental CD.  As I began to rub her feet, the song, "On Eagle's Wings" played.  Mom put her head back, closed her eyes and sang along.  This will forever be one of my most treasured memories with my Mom.


Day 5:  May 4

Judy, one of Mom's dearest friends, came for a visit today.  She held Mom's hand and in her poetic way, shared how much their friendship means.  She not only had Mom in tears, but me, Sissy and my brother, as well.  Before leaving, Judy sang, "Let Me Call You Sweetheart."  Again, tears flowed.


Day 6:  May 5

Mom came home from the hospital today.  She was in good spirits and very appreciative of her "new" room (hospital bed, table and commode).  The day was spent getting Mom settled in and comfortable.


Day 7:  May 6

Mom's dear friend, Jan, came over and gave Mom a haircut.  While up in the wheelchair, the Love Bugs put on a musical concert for Grandma.  Honey Bunches played, "I'll Fly Away" and "Amazing Grace" on his guitar.  On the piano, "Walking on Sunshine", "Edelweiss", and "Ode to Joy" was played by Sweet Potato, Gummi and Cucumber respectively.  Mom clapped after each performance and the Love Bugs all gave her a hug and kiss.

The first week of this journey has been quite emotional.  Mom has been a pillar of strength and grace, all while I feel the walls are closing in on me.  Some days I find it hard to take a deep breath.  Some days, my body aches for no apparent reason.  I am tired, but I can't sleep.  I pray, but am not always sure of what it is I am praying for.  I am thankful for our memorized Catholic prayers, as they fill a void that I cannot fill on my own.  Each night at 7:00, we gather in Mom's room to pray the Rosary.  It is Mom's favorite prayer and it brings peace to all of us.