A Cancer Journey: Part 2

Week 2

I have learned the basics of ostimy care.  Although emptying the bag is no problem, changing it has me second guessing every step.  Between Sissy and I, we have emptied Mom's ostimy bag 14 times in a 24 hour period.  Mom is exhausted.  We are exhausted.  By mid-week, her stool has turned almost black.  We have been told that she may have an upper GI bleed.  If that is the case, we should be prepared that she will go quickly.

Overall, this has been a good week for Mom.  She has been very lucid and has a good appetite.  She has requested scrambled eggs a few times and reminds me how she likes them!  At 5 am on Wednesday, she looked at me and said, "Please get a piece of paper and a pen.  I want to plan my funeral."  She then proceeded to pick the readings and music and shared who she wanted to do what for the Mass.  She does not want a lot of flowers, because she doesn't want to be "showboated" (those were her exact words).  For that same reason, she does not want picture boards.  Instead, she is o.k. with a few family photos and she wants memorials to be used toward the Mary Garden at our church.

What was believed to be a GI bleed has corrected itself by weeks end.  Her stoma has now become infected and the skin around it is raised and red and hot to the touch.

Aside from funeral planning, the week was filled with lots of stories and much laughter.  It was as though we had our Mom back, and yet the harsh reality is that our time together is fleeting.  I am very much aware that each day, each moment is gift.

Week 3

The week began with Mother's Day.  Sissy came and stayed with Mom, while our family attended Mass.  I knew today would be bittersweet, but I didn't expect Mass to be so emotional for me.  From the music, to the prayers and culminating at the Eucharist, I cried.  I cried not only for the beauty of this celebration, but also for the heaviness weighing on my heart.  This would be the last Mother's Day that we would be spending with Mom.

My Brother-in-law planned a brunch at our house for all the family.  Mom had a few bites of egg bake, cinnamon roll and fruit.  She felt up to visiting for most of the afternoon.  Today was the last great day that Mom had.

Mom is now sleeping more than she is awake.  She groans when we move her to change her sheets or chuck or to reposition her pillow.  She reaches out in front of her for something or someone only she can see.  She has stopped eating and only takes a few sips of water with her medication.

In a way, the dying process has slowed time.  We can close the door to the outside world and simply just "be" with Mom.  Every touch, every care, every breath has become holy.  Her room has become a sanctuary of prayer and reflection.  Upon entering, there is an immediate sense of this being a sacred place; a place where life and death are merging.

A Cancer Journey: Part 1

The following is a journal I have kept for the last few weeks.  I share this in complete reverence and love. 

Day 1:  April 30

Mom hadn't been feeling well the past few weeks.  She was experiencing some tenderness in her side and mentioned that she felt full.  She went to the doctor today and he ordered a scan for Friday morning.  At 8:30 PM this evening, Mom said something was wrong and she wanted to go to the ER.   Sissy #2 and I took her in to Emergency at 9:00 PM.  At 11:30 PM, Mom had a scan.


Day 2:  May 1

At 12:30 AM, my sister and I were asked to follow the nurse to a room where the doctor was sitting at a computer.  On the screen was my Mom's scan.  I heard the doctor say something about a mass and using the word "metastasized."  Sissy began crying and reaching for me.  I didn't understand what I was looking at, nor what I was hearing.  I kept asking for everyone to please slow down and explain what was happening.  The doctor said that the scan showed a large mass in her colon and there were dark spots on her liver and lungs.

Mom has cancer.

The doctor asked if we wanted him to tell Mom.  Sissy said no, she would do it.

After telling Mom and then making phone calls to the immediate family, we went back to Mom's side.  I held her hand, not knowing what to say.  Mom spoke first.

Mom:  Please don't worry Shelly.  I'm going to be o.k.  I prayed for this.  I prayed that I would suffer.  Jesus loves me so much that He suffered and died for me.  I want to show Jesus how much I love Him and offer my suffering with His.

A few moments later, as the doctor was speaking to Mom, I looked around the room and felt the urge to smash things.  I wanted to tear the T.V. off the wall.  I wanted to turn over the cart that held the computer.  I wanted to take my arm and sweep everything off the counter.  I was angry and wanted to throw things.

 I didn't.

At 1:30 AM, Mom was in a regular hospital room for the night.  At this point, she was confused and agitated.  Leaving her that night was difficult.

Mom was scheduled for surgery shortly after 10 AM.  We were thankful that our Deacon came before then to anoint, pray over and give Mom communion.  Before wheeling her away, everyone present was able to kiss and tell Mom they loved her. 

We prayed the Rosary.

The phone in the room where we were waiting rang.  It was the O.R. telling us that they were going to begin surgery. 

What seemed like only minutes later, the surgeon entered our room and said she didn't have good news.  They opened Mom up and discovered she was full of cancer.  They would be unable to remove any of the mass.  They were going to do a double loop ileostomy and then close her up.  The doctor said Mom would maybe have 2 months to live.

At that moment, everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.

May 1st is the feast day of St. Peregrine.  He is the patron saint of cancer patients.


Day 3:  May 2

Mom's surgeon visited her early this morning.  She explained to Mom how the surgery had gone the previous day.  Mom didn't say much as she listened.  She just shook her head in understanding.  Mom, very clearly stated, that she did not want to spend her days in and out of chemo and going to doctor appointments.  She wanted to go home, be comfortable, and live out her days peacefully.  Later in the day, Mom said, "Everyone has something to bear.  This is mine."


Day 4:  May 3

I arrived to the hospital early and found the nurses helping Mom to sit up in a chair.  Once settled, I asked Mom if I could give her a foot massage, using lavender oil.  One of the nurses brought in an instrumental CD.  As I began to rub her feet, the song, "On Eagle's Wings" played.  Mom put her head back, closed her eyes and sang along.  This will forever be one of my most treasured memories with my Mom.


Day 5:  May 4

Judy, one of Mom's dearest friends, came for a visit today.  She held Mom's hand and in her poetic way, shared how much their friendship means.  She not only had Mom in tears, but me, Sissy and my brother, as well.  Before leaving, Judy sang, "Let Me Call You Sweetheart."  Again, tears flowed.


Day 6:  May 5

Mom came home from the hospital today.  She was in good spirits and very appreciative of her "new" room (hospital bed, table and commode).  The day was spent getting Mom settled in and comfortable.


Day 7:  May 6

Mom's dear friend, Jan, came over and gave Mom a haircut.  While up in the wheelchair, the Love Bugs put on a musical concert for Grandma.  Honey Bunches played, "I'll Fly Away" and "Amazing Grace" on his guitar.  On the piano, "Walking on Sunshine", "Edelweiss", and "Ode to Joy" was played by Sweet Potato, Gummi and Cucumber respectively.  Mom clapped after each performance and the Love Bugs all gave her a hug and kiss.

The first week of this journey has been quite emotional.  Mom has been a pillar of strength and grace, all while I feel the walls are closing in on me.  Some days I find it hard to take a deep breath.  Some days, my body aches for no apparent reason.  I am tired, but I can't sleep.  I pray, but am not always sure of what it is I am praying for.  I am thankful for our memorized Catholic prayers, as they fill a void that I cannot fill on my own.  Each night at 7:00, we gather in Mom's room to pray the Rosary.  It is Mom's favorite prayer and it brings peace to all of us.

Picture Perfect

There are a handful of times that I have been asked the question, "how do you do all you do?"  I heard it more frequently when I was working full time and all my kids were really little, but I still get asked this from time to time.  Whenever the inquiry arises, I feel very humbled, because it leads me to believe that I am portraying an unrealistic portrait of myself and our family.  I don't "do it" by myself.  I have a lovely village that greatly supports our family.  Without them, so much of what we do would not be possible.

I bring this up, because earlier today I was in conversation with a woman who said to me, "whenever I'm having a confrontation with my daughter, I step back and ask myself, how would Shelly handle the situation?"  Upon hearing this, I began to sweat bullets, partly because Honey Bunches was with me and I was waiting for him to either laugh or bust me by asking the woman, "are you sure you want to know how my mom would react?"

Here is a reality check.  I write this blog as a memoir to my children.  I want to record funny things that they say, include pictures of our days, and tell stories that reflect our faith and family life.  I do not embellish nor exaggerate stories (with kids, one doesn't have to!).  I do, however, have full creative control as to what gets published here and what I choose to keep private.  So although it may come across that we have little or no struggles, in all actuality, our home has arguments, harsh words, sassy attitudes and the occasional glass of wine to help put life in perspective (that last one really only applies to me).  I go to bed, more times than not, feeling guilty for not having put my best foot forward during the day.  I try hard, but I pray even harder, everyday, that God will give me the grace and wisdom to parent to the best of my ability.  I have some successes, but I have lots of failures too!

I'm not going to unveil all of our family secrets, but here are a few examples of my imperfections.

When Cucumber was 3 years old, she received a Dora doll that rode on a horse.  I cannot remember the exact situation, but one day I was angry at something and I took that doll and threw her down on the floor, resulting in her leg snapping off.  Yep.  I had myself a regular little temper tantrum.  I, of course, felt horrible for having broke my child's doll.  What made matters even worse, was that Cucumber attempted to fix Dora by using duct tape to re-attach the leg.  It didn't work.  Whenever Cucumber placed Dora on the horse, the poor doll would just fall off.  There was no balance to be had with just one leg.  Every time I looked at that doll, I was reminded of how inappropriately I had behaved.

I won't forget the time that I had asked Honey Bunches for the umpteenth time (that is an actual number) to pick up his Lego's.  When I walked downstairs and had to tiptoe around the zillion pieces laying on the floor, well, I had had enough.  I kicked over the tub of Lego's, resulting in a zillion more pieces to be strewn all over the floor.  Definitely not one of my finest moments.

Here are a few more:

I yell.
I give myself time-outs.
I sometimes use the T.V. as a babysitter.
I don't like to share my dessert.

When all is said and done, I love my kids with all my heart.  I would give my life for theirs.

And so, we keep on keeping on.  I try hard, but pray even harder that God grants me the grace and wisdom to guide His children on their paths to holiness.  And someday, when the Love Bugs reflect back on their childhoods, I can only hope that they remember their mom (and dad) as being firm, but loving, imperfect, but forgiving, and providing them a home and life that was Christ centered and full of love.

This hangs by our door and is our daily reminder of what we strive towards.

Our Holy Week Review

Wednesday of Holy Week



Egg Carton Easter Crafts

Holy Thursday



Washing of the Feet



Kneading Unleavened Bread



We ate our bread, warm from the oven, with butter and honey.

Good Friday



Resurrection Cookies; here the Love Bugs are "beating" the nuts, which mimic the beatings of Christ, during His Passion.



"The Tomb"

Holy Saturday



Honey Bunches leading us in "Amazing Grace"

Easter Sunday



Removing the Resurrection Cookies



Praying at the graves of Grandma Trinie and Grandpa Beno.



"The Amazing Race" at Sissy #2's house.



Polish Horseshoes



An Easter tradition; our family picture on the steps.

Happy Easter! 



Our Easter season centerpiece.  Monkey received this candle 14 years ago when he was welcomed into full communion at the Easter Vigil.

The Home Stretch

Holy Week

I was recently asked the question, "what is the difference between a New Year's resolution and giving stuff up for Lent?"  My very simple answer was that the center of a resolution is "me" and the heart of a Lenten sacrifice is Christ.

When I choose to resolve something, is tends to be about me and attempting to make a lifestyle change for the better (i.e. shed a few pounds, eat healthier, shop wiser, read more, etc.).  When I choose to give something up for Lent (fast), its foundation is based on my relationship with God.  Through fasting, whether it is from a favorite food/beverage, or from technology, or from a habit, I become keenly aware of my dependence on God, for it is only Him that can satisfy my deepest hunger. 

For me, I look at my Lenten journey as a sort of spiritual pilgrimage.  If you've ever been on a pilgrimage, you know that it breaks one down; spiritually, emotionally, and sometimes physically.  But then in the midst of our brokenness, we recognize that it is God who can make us whole once again.  We come out of the darkness and into the Light.

The beauty of fasting is that it is not intended to last forever.  A fast is not designed for that, for after the fast comes the feast.   On Easter Sunday, we will feast on the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, and celebrate wholly a joyous new life in our Risen Lord.  Hallelujah!

Holy Week is my favorite week of the calendar year.  We submerge ourselves in tradition and symbolism and the richness of our faith.  Without the events of this week, there would be no Easter story to tell.

Just one more thing. . .I did not give up sweets for Lent.  I was craving chocolate one afternoon and Monkey bought me this.  It is pure delight and has now been added to my secret chocolate stash.  Shhh.  Don't tell the Love Bugs!

The Love Bugs

I have activities planned this week for the Love Bugs and a few special surprises for Easter Sunday.  I'm so excited that I'm a little giddy about it.  I admit, I am a bit of a catechectical nerd. 

A few weeks ago, I was talking to the kids about confession.

Me:  Does anyone know the steps to a good confession?
Gummi (jumping up and down):  I know this!  I know this!  Give him (the priest) a firm handshake and look him in the eye!

In case you're curious, the steps to a good confession are: 

1. Examine your conscience
2. Be sorry for your sins
3. Have a firm resolve to avoid those sins in the future
4. Confess your sins to a priest
5. Satisfaction ~ fulfill your penance

It has become a habit of Sweet Pea to exclaim, "Nuts!" in any number of situations.  Now I understand that she could use much worse words or phrases, however, she says this so often that we have been encouraging her to think of other ways to express herself.  Yesterday, as she was working on her homework, she made a mistake on a worksheet and needed to erase it.  As usual, she said, "Oh nuts!", but then she caught me looking at her and she quickly added, "I mean nuts-a-roo!"

Well played Sweet Pea.

This past Saturday, the girls and I were watching cooking shows on T.V.  One of the shows was Martha (Stewart) Bakes.  We were probably 15 minutes into the show when Sweet Pea asked, "Mom, is that woman a man?"

Sorry Martha. 

I hope you all have a blessed Holy Week and a beautiful Easter!  Enjoy "new life" that is budding all around us.

Fat Tuesday, Lent and St. Patrick's Day

We are well into our second week of Lent.  This year, in particular, I anticipated the arrival of Lent with great expectations. You see, almost every year during the month of January and part of February, I experience a kind of spiritual desert.  Maybe it has to do with our long winters and shorter amounts of sunlight, but there are days when it feels as if I am just going through the motions in my prayer life.  I feel sort of "dried up" on the inside.  This year was no exception and I welcomed the season of Lent to really focus on spending more time in prayer, scripture and other spiritual reading.  I also want to say that it is during this desert experience that I am eternally grateful to my parents for instilling within me a spiritual discipline; one that I rely on to carry me through, until I once again am renewed and refreshed.   

FAT TUESDAY

What has become our tradition on Fat Tuesday, is to order this beauty above.  It is so good that we couldn't even wait to eat it before taking a picture.

Monkey used to work at a local pizza joint, and often after his shift, he would bring over a "Top of the Line with Sauerkraut."  I was hesitant to even try it at first, as I am a traditional pizza girl.  I like "normal" toppings and I avoid "specialty" pizza (i.e. taco, cheeseburger, etc).  One bite of this baby, however, and I was completely hooked.  Totally delicious and totally worth eating it on Fat Tuesday.  Because it is an indulgence, we really only eat it this one time of year.

During supper, we discussed the sacrifices each person would make during Lent, in preparation for Easter. Some are giving up their video games, some are giving up sweets, one is giving up "being mean" (???), and Pumpkin is giving up orange soda.  For the record, I don't buy soda for the kids and I can probably count on one hand the number of times Pumpkin has drank orange soda in the last year, but whatever.  She considers it a sacrifice and that is what is important.

I have given up my phone for uses other than phone calls.  I have had some really successful days, and then there are days when I have forgotten and I find myself checking my e-mails or Facebook.  On a positive note, my kids have noticed me putting my phone down, which tells me that it is a practice I need to continue well after Lent is over.

This is our new centerpiece for the season.  It contains a Crown of Thorns, a Rosary, Sacrifice Beads, a Rice Bowl, and a prayer card.  Each candle represents one Sunday in Lent.  The pink candle is for Laetare Sunday, and the red candle is for Passion Sunday.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY

The Love Bugs look forward to St. Patrick's Day each year.  We don't have a bit of Irish in our blood, but we still take the time to celebrate with exuberance.  They get a non-uniform day (which they consider a treat) and dress in green.

The girls insisted on a funny picture.  The boys wanted nothing to do with this!

After work, Monkey cooked supper for us; corned beef, cabbage and rice, Chamorro style.  We had planned on our usual Shamrock Shakes, however the youth from our parish were hosting a fundraiser at the Dairy Queen, so we settle for Dilly Bars instead (well, I actually got a Blizzard - shhhhhh).  I promised the Love Bugs we would get the Shamrock Shakes this weekend.

So that's it for my little update.  Lent is off to a great start and today is the first day of Spring.  The sun is shining, the snow is melting and I'm putting away all of my winter/snowman decor.  

I wish you all a very blessed Lenten season, one that draws you closer to Jesus and springs forth light and love in your heart!

St. Anthony's Workin' Overtime

For the last three years, our family has adopted a patron saint.  A few days leading up to New Year's Eve, we begin discussing which saints are in the running for becoming our Family Patron Saint in the coming year. Then, after Mass on New Year's Eve, we come home to narrow down our choice and vote.  In 2012, we selected St. Cecilia - the patron of musicians.  We have a home budding with young musicians, so St. Cecelia was a great choice.  Before piano recitals and school concerts, we would invoke St. Cecelia for her prayers to calm nerves.  St. Sebastian, the patron of athletes, was our family saint for 2013.  He was called upon more than once for our swimmers, gymnasts, football and basketball players.  This year, we chose St. Anthony, the patron of lost things.  As Sweet Potato argued before the voting, "He should win because we lose things ALL. THE. TIME."

Everyday, someone in our household misplaces something; hats, mittens/gloves, snow pants, boot liners, homework, backpacks, toys, keys - you get the idea.  I try, really hard, to keep everyone organized.  I make it painfully simple, or so I think.  Regardless, time each and everyday is spent searching for something. St. Anthony is beckoned often.  We ask for his prayers in finding the lost and restoring some sort of order. When the lost is found we give a prayer of thanksgiving.

Earlier today, Pumpkin and I were at Walmart.  I had a list of things I needed to purchase, and since it was really cold outside, I wanted a one-stop shopping experience.  We were at the photo center, getting some pictures developed.  I ordered what I needed and then told Pumpkin to follow me over to the scanner to pick up our pictures.  I assumed she was behind me.  I scanned my ticket, waited for my pictures to print, collected my photos and then turned to tell Pumpkin it was time to go.  That is when I realized she wasn't behind me.  I quickly looked around the photo area, trying to search out her pink coat and her pink, piggy hat.  She wasn't there.  I yelled her name, to which the other shoppers turned to look at me.  My face turned red and my stomach knotted up.  I ran out into the main aisle and looked left and then right.

I didn't see her.

I pushed my cart to the side and prayed, first to Jesus to be with her, and then to St. Anthony to lead me to my baby.  I pleaded that I would find her quickly.

I ran back to the main aisle.  And then I heard her cry.  I looked to my left and saw her pink, piggy hat headed towards the automotive center.  I ran in her direction, yelling her name.  She saw me and came running into my arms.  We were both crying.  At that moment, my fear turned into relief and then into disappointment.  I was disappointed the Pumpkin had wandered off and disappointed in myself for not keeping closer tabs on my child.

I firmly held her hand for the rest of our shopping trip.

Thank you Jesus for your protection, and thank you St. Anthony for your prayers.


The following are excerpts about the saints from the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

956   The intercession of the saints. “Being more closely united to Christ, those who dwell in heaven fix the whole Church more firmly in holiness.... [T]hey do not cease to intercede with the Father for us, as they proffer the merits which they acquired on earth through the one mediator between God and men, Christ Jesus.... So by their fraternal concern is our weakness greatly helped.”495 (1370, 2683)

957   Communion with the saints. “It is not merely by the title of example that we cherish the memory of those in heaven; we seek, rather, that by this devotion to the exercise of fraternal charity the union of the whole Church in the Spirit may be strengthened. Exactly as Christian communion among our fellow pilgrims brings us closer to Christ, so our communion with the saints joins us to Christ, from whom as from its fountain and head issues all grace, and the life of the People of God itself”498: (1173)

We worship Christ as God’s Son; we love the martyrs as the Lord’s disciples and imitators, and rightly so because of their matchless devotion towards their king and master. May we also be their companions and fellow disciples!499

958   Communion with the dead. “In full consciousness of this communion of the whole Mystical Body of Jesus Christ, the Church in its pilgrim members, from the very earliest days of the Christian religion, has honored with great respect the memory of the dead; and ‘because it is a holy and a wholesome thought to pray for the dead that they may be loosed from their sins’ she offers her suffrages for them.”500 Our prayer for them is capable not only of helping them, but also of making their intercession for us effective. (1371, 1032, 1689)

959   In the one family of God. “For if we continue to love one another and to join in praising the Most Holy Trinity—all of us who are sons of God and form one family in Christ—we will be faithful to the deepest vocation of the Church.”501 (1027)

495 LG 49; cf. 1 Tim 2:5.
498 LG 50; cf. Eph 4:1-6.
499 Martyrium Polycarpi, 17: Apostolic Fathers II/3, 396.
500 LG 50; cf. 2 Macc 12:45.
501 LG 51; cf. Heb 3:6.